Sorry- Wrong Blog

I am sorry to everyone who read "Everyone Goes to the DMV" . That blog was supposed to be at libhotmama, not dangitalllibby. I can't figure out how to delete it. I have much more to say about dear Rachel and grief. Just not today.

Everybody Goes to the DMV

Everybody goes to the DMV. You don't think you do? I bet you have. Can you think of even one person who hasn't gone to the DMV? Nope, didn't think so. It is now getting to the point where you will have to have an identity card to do anything. Want to get on a plane? Better have ID! We give ID cards to BABIES.

Guess what people don't bring to the DMV? Think now. Oh, here it is is. MONEY. You wouldn't believe how many people come to the DMV without money. It's usually kids getting their permits. They are probably the same ones who are forging their parent's name on the forms. A credit card won't make it, bring cash, check or ATM. Or better yet, leave your ATM at home. The ATM machines cannot correct mistakes so if yours truly puts $220 as the amount instead of $22, you are s-o-l until you can be reimbursed by the state. You fill out a form and wait. You have to mail it and buy the stamp, and who has stamps anymore. Once you do get it mailed it can take two months to get your money back...maybe. I'm sure Arnie will find a way to spend it. The only way to get out of the DMV without spending money is to be 62 and get a Senior ID. As of today, they are free. This could change tomorrow. You have to update your license in CA every five years. Move to AZ, though, and you get your license for- count it- fifty years!

Here's another thing to bring to the DMV- ALL your legal documents. Bring the birth certificate, bring your passport. If you are a foreign national, bring your permanent resident card, employment authorization, student 1-20, 1-94 form. Bring it on! Why are you waiting in line for two hours with a copy? Bring the original, that is the only thing that will work. We don't care if you are an honest and trustworthy person, bring the paper and prove it. It is much better to bring more than less. The only name that is now allowed on your driver's license or ID is your true legal name. If your name is Gertrude Bellyache Jones but you've always been called Whiney Jones, you need to change your name legally. We don't care what your nickname is or what people call you. Your card says your true legal name. If you got married, bring your marriage certificate. If you think your last name should be PITT, you can bring the best looking actor in Hollywood with you, and we won't care. You need to bring your marriage certificate.

If you can't see, bring your glasses. If you are wearing contacts, tell the clerk. Many people have told me "Oh, I left my glasses in the car." Ok, dumbo, go back and get them and then GET BACK IN THE TWO HOUR LINE. You will not be allowed back after you run your errand. If you have monovision with contacts, bring your glasses instead of your contacts. You have to pass the vision with both eyes. If you have had the monovision operation, be prepared to pick up a medical report, have your optometrist fill it out and then come back and get in line.

Ok, here it is. Bring Money, Bring your Legal Documents and Bring your glasses. Simple, right?
Now, here's an inspiring DMV story. I waited on a customer yesterday who said that the DMV saved her sight and MAYBE her life. She noticed her vision was getting a little fuzzy but thought she was just going to need reading glasses soon. She failed the visual and needed to go to the optometrist or opthamologist. He discovered she had a brain tumor. They operated on her and saved her life. She still has some visual impairment, but she will have a full and happy life, and all because she failed her DMV eye exam. TAKE THAT!!! See how we help out humanity?

Peace and love to all and think "Patsy Cline".

The Kindness Of Strangers

I have been thinking lately about the kindness of strangers, and how I can be kind to others. I interviewed for a position at the Costa Mesa DMV and told them how I thought the few minutes each day I was helping customers was my chance to show them kindness and understanding, and I meant it. When you are stressed, or your life is a mess, or your kid died, or something else horrible happened, sometimes the difference between completely going bonkers and making it to another day is the little kindnesses that others give you. I want to thank these strangers.

Thank you to the assistant at the coroner's office. You were sensitive, kind, understanding and spoke with a soft and gentle voice.

Thank you to the neighbor of Rachel's who placed a wreath on her door. It was the first thing I saw at her apartment and it touched my heart. I still have it.

Thank you to the funeral home director. You were open to our requests and didn't try to push anything on us. Your kindness was very comforting.

Thank you to the DMV clerk who gently steered me in the correct answers to the registration of Rachel's car so I wouldn't have to pay extra money.

Thank you to the manicurist who thought I was getting my nails done for a wedding, and when I told her "no, a funeral" said "Oh, she in heaven now. She happy. I can tell you a good mommy."

Thank you to the professional people who said "I am sorry for your loss". I know you are trained to say that, but it doesn't matter. It really helps.

Of course, my heart is filled with love and gratitude for all my close friends and family who were there for me and still are. Thank you to John, for holding me. Thank you to Sarah for making all those phone calls. Thank you to Keturah for turning thirty soon. (She understands) Thank you to Jeff for taking care of everything in Sacramento. Thank you to Chris for always being there. Thank you to Becky for taking such good care of Rachel. Thank you to Cid for not judging Rachel and showing her understanding. Thank you John (bro)for the tears. Thank you to Jeni for the money (we need that too). Thank you to Josh for having the same sweet spirit as Rachel. Thank you to Julian for all the legal rigamarole. Thank you to Hal for the laughs. Thank you to Elise for making arrangements for the services. Thank you to Uncle Tom for paying. Thank you to Jacob for being Jacob. Thank you to Ronalee for preparing all the food. Thank you to Richie for letting us use your house for the wake. Thank you to Megan for the wake therapy talk. Thank you to Louise for making sure day to day routine was taken care of. Thank you Robin for listening. Thank you Craig for being Rachel's father. Thank you Diane for the poetry. Thank you Kathy for the video. Thank you mom for loving me and my children. Thank you to all. If you are missed, it is not because I am not grateful. I am. I am just tired.

Gratitude is giving my heart a little rest from grieving, for this I am grateful!

How Many Children Do I Have?

I have a new job. I work at the DMV. I like it much better than my old job at Hyundai. I like the customer contact. I like the benefits.

I am in training. We are in training in Oceanside. It was a rather pleasant one hour drive. I got there in plenty of time, had breakfast at McDonald's where they had 79c 42 oz drinks. The employees in Oceanside were friendly and showed me the ropes. There are only three of us training now, Susan, Rosemarie and me. I work in the same office with Susan and Rosemarie, and we have had many superficial conversations in the last couple of weeks. I try to avoid the big conversations like "How many children do you have?"

Of course, I never thought this was a big conversation before Rachel died. The answer was simple "I have 3 girls". After John and I married, I added "and two sons". Our trainer, whose name is Debby, started out with "So, introduce yourself, are you single or married, how many children do you have, etc. " I started tearing up immediately, and damn it, I was the last to answer. Rosemarie is single, but has a long time-boyfriend, no children. Susan is married, with two boys, and I am.... Well, what am I?

By the time they got to me, I was full-fledged crying. I hadn't gotten to the point of sobbing yet, but they were all staring at me uncomfortably. I said, "My name is Libby and I am married. The reason why I am crying is because my oldest daughter passed away about one and a half years ago, and I still feel very "raw". I also have two other daughters and two stepsons, and a grandson, who is seven." Debby and Rosemarie were sympathetic, but Susan didn't look at me, which I found odd. We were all uncomfortable. They said the usual 'Oh, I am so sorry" and "I can't imagine what it is like to lose a child" I always feel like saying "No, you can't, and you don't want to imagine it". If they had asked, which they usually don't, I would say "It feels like the earth has opened up and swallowed you whole. Escaping from the grief, which happens in bits and pieces feels like clawing your way up to the top of the hole, and then having someone sucker-punch you and falling back down again. Sometimes, you crawl back up, only to be slugged down, and sometimes you just stay there and welcome the dark, dank, cold earth.

I no longer know what to say when someone asks "How many children do you have?" The truth is I have 6 children, one of them is dead, one is schizophrenic and will probably never return to the United States, one never lived with me and I barely know him, one (grandson) is being kept from me by his vindictive father and I am not allowed to see him. Can you blame me if I sometimes tell the casual questioner, " I have two girls."?

I collected myself, and it didn't take too long. It usually doesn't take too long. I now belong to the dead child club and I don't like it, but I have learned to "compartmentalize". There is a time (like this blog) to discuss it, and there is a time (work) not to. Sometimes, grief overwhelms, and there is nothing I can do. There aren't many of us in the club, thank God, and I would never ask anyone to join. The job requirements are tougher than any other, the benefits are non-existent, and the dues are way too high.

DANCING WITH THE STARS

I was thinking about exercising yesterday. I mean, really exercising on a regular basis. I thought about walking, biking and weight lifting, all good endeavors, and then Rachel said "Dance with Me. That was it, just "Dance with Me".

The thought amused me greatly, because Rachel was many wonderful things, but a good dancer was not one of them. She was clumsy, gawky, goofy-looking when she danced. She never quite "got" it. She was an amazing singer, though, and often I see Rachel with other stars, Elvis, Frank, or my favorite, my dad, throwing her head back and laughing and singing with gusto, beautiful duets. I can understand the singing, but dancing? I didn't think much more about it.

Today, I was driving home from shopping at Costco during my lunch work hour, and "Spirit in the Sky" came on KEARTH 101, and then Rachel said "Dance with Me" and then....she danced in all her glory for three wonderful minutes, she was just as goofy as always, wearing jeans with a short top on, her beautiful red hair flying in the wind, she was dancing and flying with absolutely no grace at all!

How can that be? Aren't the angels like Rachel, and she is an angel if anyone is, supposed to be graceful, gorgeous, ethereal creatures with waltzing as their preferred mode of dance? I don't think so, I think they are supposed to be like it says in the Lord's prayer "on earth as it is in heaven". They are supposed to be who they are. And Rachel danced with abandon and joy since the time she was a little bitty baby, never caring how dumb she looked, and never believing anyone who said she did look dumb.

I'm ready, I'm ready baby. The next time you tell me to Dance, I will Dance! I will leap into the air, I will shake my booty, I will boogaloo, I will skate, I will do the Freddy. I will dance with joy, and I won't care what anyone says or thinks, I will dance with you and feel the love you have for me, and know the joy you now have. I will dance thru the tears, and fears, and pain. Yes, baby, just ask, I won't hesitate. I will Dance with you, Rachel.

St. Paddy's Day 2009

I was singing Danny Boy on the karaoke in honor of St. Paddy's Day and starting crying, of course. In itself, it is one of the most painfully sad songs in the universe, and I course I started thinking about Rachel.

I have my beautiful blondies, Keturah and Sarah, but only one redhead, Rachel. The red hair has been in my family for generations. My Grandma, me, Rachel, Jacob. The Scottish in us.

I keep writing about how I am ready to greet the world, and then I stop and think. I will NEVER greet the world anymore, for I no longer feel that this world is my home, for how can I have a home without Rachel nearby?

Vince has decided to keep my red-haired sweetie Jacob away from me for the time being. Go figure. I will never figure him out. Jacob is a shining star and he keeps me connected to the future. I miss him.

Sweet Baby.

A New Year 2009

It is a new year, 2009. Last year, my goal was to hibernate, to grieve, and I did that. This year I wish to crawl out of my cave and greet the world. I will go through my phone book and call everyone. I feel I am strong enough now to tell them about Rachel without completely falling to pieces, and I realize I need the love and affection of others.

Thinking of Rachel, makes me smile, makes me cry, and I think about her every day. I think about Rachel more than I think about my other children, or my husband. Thoughts of Rachel fill my mind daily. I thought this would change when the black hole of grief subsided a bit, but it has not. Mostly, I have smiles now, because Rachel was a delight her entire life, filled with wit, impulsivness and wonder.

Jacob shares these qualities with his mother. Jacob, my wonderful grandbaby. I have not seen you since October, because for some misguided reason, your father thinks it is best to hide you from all who loved your mother. I won't allow this to continue. After continued pleading, calls, emails, letters, with no response, I have decided to sue for grandparent rights. I hate to do this to you, Jacob, but I cannot bear the thought of you growing up without me, and without those who loved your mother in your life.

I detest conflict, and I don't relish this, but I am looking forward to spending time with Jacob, and having Sarah and Keturah spend time with you, Jacob. I think the wrath from the Bermudez/Wall family will be short-lived and we will work all of this out. You can not have too many people to love you. I love you for yourself, and I love you for being your mother's son, and I want to be with you, and let you know, that you are perfect and wonderful, just the way you are.

I don't have the dreams about Rachel that I did, but the memories are sharp. At times, I feel Rachel's pain, her confusion at not being accepted for who she was, but mostly I just laugh and think how delightful a person she always was. The funniest girl you could ever see, the best mimic.

Jacob, when your mom was two, she could mimic neighbors and she did. When she was five, she could read just about anything. She was the friendliest girl in the neighborhood and people always commented on how friendly she was. Keturah worshiped her and had to do everything that Rachel did. Rachel was the smartest girl in kindergarten and she could talk faster than anybody. She had so much to share! She loved Keturah most of all, and they spent all their time playing together.

When we would take long-distance car trips, we played a game. Whoever could stay quiet the longest would get a quarter. Your mommy always lost because she could never stay quiet! She would bubble over and forget. She often got the quarter anyway because we understood how much she had to say to the world. Look at me! Hello World! I am here!

Your mommy loved cactus! And especially beaver tail cactus, I don't know why, but she did. She loved Strawberry shortcake and looked like her with her red hair and freckles. She loved the snow when we lived in Grand Rapids, and when she was much smaller than you, she loved to roam around with no clothes on. Keeping clothes on her was a challenge!

Well, there is much more and this is disjointed. I haven't forgotten about Rachel, or Jacob. I am looking forward to spending many more hours writing about Rachel and hours and hours enjoying my grandson, Jacob.