Can't Get Any Worse

Happy New Year-2008-

For 2008, I keep thinking of the Beatles Song- "Got to admit it's getting better, getting better all the time- CAN'T GET ANY WORSE!

A co-worker told me not to say that. I would just jinx 2008. I don't think I can. What? Will my other kids die? God help me. No, what saddens me most about 2007 is that 2007 will always be the year my daughter died, the year that I last saw her, ever. Nothing could be worse, or the memories more precious of her. I did a New Years Eve Party for the money, of course. I forced my cousin to come with me. She had a dream earlier that I would have a meltdown and she would have to take over and do a comedy act because she can't sing. Today, she congratulated me on recovering from my mini-meltdown with Auld Lang Syne, and how I recovered so quickly. The mini-meltdowns happen about 10 times a day, and I recover quickly. Maybe just a few tears, maybe a real sobbing weep, or just misty-eyed. I miss the girl.

But, it's not the same. Not the same as the beginning, when the earth opened up and swallowed me whole all day every day for days. When I would have thrown my other children under the bus if I could have one more day with Rachel. When the stranger who shares my room could've jumped on the plane to Australia and I wouldn't have noticed. It's not the same, as when I was obsessed with walking to jog off the pain, or making dioramas of OZ, or thinking up my butterfly tattoo, or gritting my teeth to keep from screaming.

Now, I just feel Dull. Dull, all day long. Nothing seems to matter much, anymore. It's just passing time till I die, and then people forget me. Doesn't much matter.

So, what about 2008? What are the resolutions? Well, let's see. Oh yes, lose weight. Always the first one, and never done. I must make some kind of plan. And, stick with it. Let's see how far I get with this resolution, before I start adding more. That is enough.

I'd like to see my daughter, Keturah get married. Stop fooling around. Just do it. I like the guy and he does love you. Make an old lady happy, get married and have some babies.

I want to see my grandson, Jacob more. He is so funny, he cracks me up! He is a smart kid, and so much like Rachel.

Josh needs to get out of jail, and get on with his life, wherever that leads him.

John needs to join me with this weight loss resolution. We can do it.

And that's it. There are some others, but I just want my family close and my fat further away.

I miss you, baby Rachel, I miss you. And I won't have you in 2008 or for the rest of the New Year's for the rest of forever.