A New Year 2009

It is a new year, 2009. Last year, my goal was to hibernate, to grieve, and I did that. This year I wish to crawl out of my cave and greet the world. I will go through my phone book and call everyone. I feel I am strong enough now to tell them about Rachel without completely falling to pieces, and I realize I need the love and affection of others.

Thinking of Rachel, makes me smile, makes me cry, and I think about her every day. I think about Rachel more than I think about my other children, or my husband. Thoughts of Rachel fill my mind daily. I thought this would change when the black hole of grief subsided a bit, but it has not. Mostly, I have smiles now, because Rachel was a delight her entire life, filled with wit, impulsivness and wonder.

Jacob shares these qualities with his mother. Jacob, my wonderful grandbaby. I have not seen you since October, because for some misguided reason, your father thinks it is best to hide you from all who loved your mother. I won't allow this to continue. After continued pleading, calls, emails, letters, with no response, I have decided to sue for grandparent rights. I hate to do this to you, Jacob, but I cannot bear the thought of you growing up without me, and without those who loved your mother in your life.

I detest conflict, and I don't relish this, but I am looking forward to spending time with Jacob, and having Sarah and Keturah spend time with you, Jacob. I think the wrath from the Bermudez/Wall family will be short-lived and we will work all of this out. You can not have too many people to love you. I love you for yourself, and I love you for being your mother's son, and I want to be with you, and let you know, that you are perfect and wonderful, just the way you are.

I don't have the dreams about Rachel that I did, but the memories are sharp. At times, I feel Rachel's pain, her confusion at not being accepted for who she was, but mostly I just laugh and think how delightful a person she always was. The funniest girl you could ever see, the best mimic.

Jacob, when your mom was two, she could mimic neighbors and she did. When she was five, she could read just about anything. She was the friendliest girl in the neighborhood and people always commented on how friendly she was. Keturah worshiped her and had to do everything that Rachel did. Rachel was the smartest girl in kindergarten and she could talk faster than anybody. She had so much to share! She loved Keturah most of all, and they spent all their time playing together.

When we would take long-distance car trips, we played a game. Whoever could stay quiet the longest would get a quarter. Your mommy always lost because she could never stay quiet! She would bubble over and forget. She often got the quarter anyway because we understood how much she had to say to the world. Look at me! Hello World! I am here!

Your mommy loved cactus! And especially beaver tail cactus, I don't know why, but she did. She loved Strawberry shortcake and looked like her with her red hair and freckles. She loved the snow when we lived in Grand Rapids, and when she was much smaller than you, she loved to roam around with no clothes on. Keeping clothes on her was a challenge!

Well, there is much more and this is disjointed. I haven't forgotten about Rachel, or Jacob. I am looking forward to spending many more hours writing about Rachel and hours and hours enjoying my grandson, Jacob.