July 1, 2008 Headache

Yesterday, I got a headache at work that made me want to scream. It was hitting the back of my head, like when I had my concussion, and radiating over the top of my skull. It was making me nauseous, maybe a migraine, though I don't generally get migraines. And then, I got it. This is why Rachel died.

Rachel couldn't stand pain, not in herself and not in others. She would run like mad from pain, she would cry and scream in emotional pain, and take whatever she could get her hands on to block out physical pain. There was no use in telling her to "buck up" or "just live with it". That would never happen.

Rachel would talk with anybody, anybody about her emotional pain. Everybody knew whatever was ailing her at any time. Keeping a "stiff upper lip" or " nobody wants to hear your problems" didn't work for her. A life long blabbermouth, she did what she could to release the pain by talking. When she couldn't talk about it, she would get depressed and retreat to sleep, another favorite pastime.

In physical pain, Rachel had no compunctions about doubling or tripling whatever pain killer she had on hand, she couldn't wait to get rid of the pain. Rachel stole prescription drugs from the time she was a teenager from relatives and friends. Rachel was in pain on July 29, 2007. She had an abcessed tooth, which she needed a root canal for. She had dropped some shoes on her feet and they were sprained, if not broken. She had constant back pain, which at autopsy was discovered to have been caused by a 6 centimeter ovarian cyst, she had pelvic inflammatory disease, she was an undiagnosed asthmatic and a chronic smoker. All of this caused her physical pain. The emotional pain was worse.

I didn't know conclusively, why she died until 2 days ago when my cousin Louise told me that Jeff had told her around the time of Rachel's death that Becky was missing a patch of Fentanyl. My cousin Chris, said "Didn't you know that ?" and I said no. I knew Rachel had died from an accidental overdose. There was a list of drugs that put together caused her death, but I didn't know whether she was prescribed the meds, or got them from friends. Becky had good reason to have powerful painkillers. She was recovering from back surgery, the kind where they cut her open from the front and the back and put a post in her back to correct her spine. She was in surgery for over 14 hours. She was in the hospital for days. Stealing a lethal drug from her Aunt Becky was Rachel's downfall.

Knowing Rachel's proclivity for Vicoden and other painkillers, Jeff and Becky usually kept them away from her. After Rachel's death, Jeff discovered that they were missing a Fentanyl patch, a drug supposedly 80 times more potent than morphine, and this patch killed Rachel, causing a massive heart attack.

On the evening of July 29th, Rachel visited her Aunt Becky. She was in good spirits. Apparently she stole the Fentanyl Patch at that time. She went home. I called her on the phone and she said "Mommy, I am in so much pain". I said "Hang on, honey, I'm coming down next weekend to help you out" And she said "That would be nice, mommy I have to hang up. I love you"

And then she was gone.

I remembered all this when I had my horrible headache. I thought I would do anything to get rid of it. And then I thought, "I get it". I understand why Rachel stole the patch. I understand the pain. I understand the need for oblivion.

My sister, Cid had a dream about Rachel soon after she died. She dreamt that she saw Rachel and Rachel said "Tell Mommy, I'm sorry". I didn't understand the dream at the time, but I do now. Rachel wanted forgiveness for stealing.

Oh my baby, I forgive you. Rest in peace free from the pain of the world. Love, Mommy