Procrastination

Tuesday, July 20th, 2008

Rachel's ashes sit in a vase on my fireplace mantle. A friend gave me the vase. I don't really like it all that much and I plan to replace it with a respectable urn.

I plan to take this respectable urn and take it and put Rachel's ashes in a respectable place, like a cemetery or to the seven winds.

I'm also thinking of getting an engraved memorial, or getting a memorial plaque at Disneyland, or getting a tree, or buying a star for Rachel.

Someday, I may even complete all the paperwork and get the money for the 401K she had, and pay for all of the above. If I was smart, I would get Vince to do it, because even though it can take weeks for him to return calls regarding Jacob, he called me back within ten minutes when I found out that Rachel had an insurance policy for Jacob.

I really intend to put a baby picture and an adult picture in the locket I have for Rachel. I'm going to put together the montage of Oz pictures I have into some really creative artwork and hang it in the living room.

I'm putting together a book of photos for Jacob and I will write down all my memories of his mother for him. I'll put together a clever book, with lovely photos and graceful calligraphy and pretty borders and fun drawings.

When I return to life again, and who knows when that will be, I will do all these things.

For now, I plan on calling Vince again and again and again to beg him to please please please let me see Jacob. And when Vince, Finally, lets me spend time with my grandson, then Jacob can tell me his own memories, of his favorite photo of his mom and him on the Winnie-the-Pooh ride, and how I have long red hair like his mommy's, and how he likes to eat lots and lots and lots of Parmesan Cheese on his spaghetti just like mommy. And I can sit and look at the darling boy and see him, for who is is, certainly, but also how much he is like his mother. Seeing my daughter alive in this boy, puts all my plans and schemes into perspective. Yes, they need to be done when I return to life again, but in the meantime, I need to be around Life, and that life is in Jacob. Rachel, I won't give up. I'm calling Vince again tomorrow. The memories will keep
another day.