Sing a New Song

Today I was trying to frantically to see the CD that the girls and their stepmother, Kathy made for Rachel's services. They did a beautiful job. I have been avoiding it because it makes me cry, and I wanted to be alone to wail to the heavens. I tried the TV in the bedroom, but I couldn't get it to work, I tried the TV in Chris's room, ditto, another TV in John's lair, I couldn't find the remote, and the TV in the living room would only loop the intro over and over. I was finally able to get the TV in the bedroom to show the video, which is in color with sound normally, but today was in black and white, with no sound.

But, isn't that how it is? You would think with four TV's I could get one to work. No luck. But black and white with no color was enough for me, as long as I could see Rachel. I think that is how this life is. Black and white. We don't even have a clue as to what eternity holds. How could we describe sound to someone who has never heard, or color to those who can't see? How can our finite and limited minds know what is in store for those who love God? We can't. I do not understand heaven, eternity, or God. I know that my daughter has gone from this earthly life, but I cannot grasp where she is.

There are glimpses. Maybe they are all in my mind. Maybe, I am making them up, but it is so different from anything I have made up before. I feel Rachel, I see her, sometimes, when I am really lucky I hear her, but I cannot feel her. For the past few months nearly every time I have a "visitation" it is regarding music.

I see Rachel singing. The first time was when I heard of Sabrina's death. I saw Sabrina and Rachel singing "Me and Bobby McGee". They were on a park bench in a forest and they were singing LOUD and tossing their heads around, with their hair flying and stomping their feet.
I have seen her with Elvis (yes, Presley) and with my dad. Oh, it was wonderful to see my dad again.

On July 28th, I was at my cousin Louise's ranch. We, meaning me, Louise, cousin Patty, her husband, and their relatives from Italy, cousin Howard, Howard's wife and daughter's and I were all singing karaoke. It was just as expected, fun, enthusiastic and amateurish. I was standing between Patty and Louise when we started singing "Let it be", and then Rachel joined us. She was across the room, but then she came and stood between me and Patty and started singing with us. I started to cry and Patty held me closer and Rachel stayed for much of the song and then she was gone.

It is hard not to be filled with mind-numbing grief during these visitations, but Rachel is always happy and mischievous, and that gives me comfort. I feel like I am a heathen, my faith is so shaken and shallow. I want to live for my other girls, but I want to die to see Rachel again. I told Rachel that I wanted to die to see her. I felt quilty even saying it, because I think I should want to die to be with Jesus, but I want to die to be with Rachel. When I said that, I saw her motion to me, and then say "Come on in, the water's fine." This reminded me of the song "Come to the Waters" And Jesus said, "Come to the waters, stand by my side, I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied, I felt every teardrop when in darkness you cried, and I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."

There is a big part of me that wants to move on with my life. I want to move on from this grief, and get on with the rest of my life. I want to get in shape, and sing and dance. I want to get a new job, and wish I could live with no job. But, the grief still seems to numb me and keep me down on my knees. Rachel, I love you baby. It is time to run, and dance and sing with you. I know I can only see the black and white, but it won't be long before I will be with you and sing with the angels and dance in the rainbow.